Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Mike Maloney's LiveJournal:

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Monday, May 7th, 2012
10:01 am	Surgery. Scared to death. I hope I have the strength to do this without freaking out. The procedure isn't the issue, it's being put out that scares me. I really hope I don't lose my nerve. Current Mood: frightened (Comment on this)
Friday, May 4th, 2012
9:04 am	Alone I'm getting tired of doing things alone. It's a solitary feeling, and I'm not a solitary person. Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 20th, 2012
4:21 pm	How am I ever going to keep any level of sanity? I'm realizing more and more that I need to do things myself, but it's growing more and more impossible to do so. There's more on my plate than ever before, and yet I feel like I can't trust things to get done without my being involved. I wonder if I'm just going to snap one day and give it all up. Current Mood: cynical (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 29th, 2011
12:03 pm	Hope springs eternal The male mentality of "suck it up" or "walk it off" is really something that's completely rooted in nurture, not nature. If that weren't the case, why would I be the type of person that I am? My inclintation, even at 31 years old, is to be vulnerable, fallible. I don't know why, but I actually have to work harder to "suck it up". Instead I yearn to be cared for, for someone to take me in their arms and let me fall apart. That's the way that nature intended me to be. And it's society that forces the other mantra. I can't say that my dad reinforced that with me as I grew up. Sure he did want us to toughen up. But it's not like he turned a blind eye when we were down or depressed. Secretly, I wonder if he's the same way as me. I know my mom is, but surely there must be some of it in my father if I'm as severe as I am. I guess I stopped hating myself for it a while ago when my mother told me what Dr. Hill said. And I think she's right. I would hate to be the opposite way; I'll take me any day. Those who are emotionless and cold really don't live their life to the fullest, can't feel the fullest range of emotions and will likely die having never known what it's like to truly FEEL something. But it does put a hell of a burden on me to be a man in this society who is fallible, vulnerable and susceptible. Having been taken advantage of on more than one occasion in my life, I know that for sure. Some day soon I will write about some of the things that have happened. I think I'm just not ready to yet. I must still be in some long-tail denial phase where I won't allow myself to really admit what happened. Until I do, I think I'm going to have to face random bouts of tears like happened this morning. Will anyone ever really get all of me? Probably just you, Mr. Journal. You have nearly all of it already. When I can put this last bit into words, you will have it all. Just...not yet. Current Mood: crappy (Comment on this)
Monday, October 24th, 2011
8:54 am	One. No matter what other people may say or do to you, don't ever forget to maintain a healthy amount of self worth. Your accomplishments are yours, regardless of where you came from. Nobody can take that away from you. Love yourself, for you are the only person who will be with you from your first recorded memory to your last dying breath. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 3rd, 2011
2:04 pm	Brooklyn Have you ever gone to sleep and slept so deeply that don't recall a single dream over the course of 7 or 8 hours? And when you wake up, the night before seems so distant that it's almost like it never really happened? For me, moving to Brooklyn has given me the feeling that I've been asleep for the last three years, and only now am I waking up to start the day. And now, each day feels like a dream. Isn't that something? I've woken up from a dreamless sleep to live a life I've always dreamed of. (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 21st, 2011
9:48 am	Self-loathing, internal dialogue on a page I torture myself a lot. I find problems where there aren't any. I seek out conflict when things are fine. I always feel remorse afterwards. I'm sick of feeling stupid or regretful for my actions. I wake up some days hating who I am. I go through mood swings and extremes. I have no outlet for frustration other than to take it out on those I love. I can't even count how many times I wanted to CTRL-ALT-DEL my day, month, year or life. And things aren't that bad. What's my problem? What is it that makes me want to throw myself over the edge sometimes? Why am I convinced that I just don't deserve to be happy in my life? Something's in there that needs to come out. Some deep-rooted guilt for being me, for living my life. Like I feel that my decisions are always innately wrong. Yet I won't go to therapy to see what it is. I'm convinced that I can handle it on my own. Fuck, man. I hate self-awareness. It's the worst when you have to face your own faults and shortcomings every day. Especially when you haven't made peace with them. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 28th, 2011
11:26 am	Corporate Gratitude We do an awful lot of thanking in business, especially when the sentiment of gratitude couldn't be further from the truth. It's entirely possible that such a phrase in business actually means "I hope your inflated ego floats you in front of a bus today." These days, it's used as a conversation closer, or an expression of defeat. Intense tasks that take hours but will likely result in a mere bullet in a presentation Executive: "I would like you to put together a summary of the activity that we executed in Q1, complete with briefs, examples of creative and results." Professional Shmuck: "Sure, and when do you want that by?" Executive: "Oh don't rush. End of day is fine." Shmuck: "Sure, I'll send you the path on the server when it's ready. Thanks!" Getting fucked on staffing Executive: "If you were to choose two people you absolutely couldn't lose on your team, who would they be?" Lame Duck: "Well that's easy. I would insist on keeping Kelly and James. The other two are way less effective." ***Two weeks later*** Executive: "We have decided to make a team change and would like to run it by you first. We're moving James to another team and want to know your thoughts." Lame Duck: "I would really miss him. He's a tremendous asset to the team and has been on a fast-track for developing as a leader. Do I have any choice in the matter?" Executive: "No." Lame Duck: "Okay, when are you telling him?" Executive: "You should wait until the end of the week to tell him of the change." Lame Duck: "Okay great, thank you!" Projecting incompetence Executive: "Where the hell are we on the tactical optimization workstream?!" Dutiful Employee: "We have made some progress and it's now time to loop you guys back in. So I set up a meeting on Friday for us to regroup." Executive: "It's not on my calendar" Dutiful Employee: "Hmm. Oh, it says that you haven't accepted the invite." Executive: "You need to manage up. You need to be better at keeping everyone up to speed on this." Dutiful Employee: "Okay, let me send an email out with the status prior to the meeting. Thanks." Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 21st, 2011
8:44 am	Every Devils Fan is Secretly a Ranger's Fan And how can I make such an outlandish statement? Because they know whenever the Rangers are on. And every time the Rangers have a game, Devil fans make sure to check the score. And if the Rangers are losing, they make sure to antagonize NY fans via facebook, text message, twitter, etc. I don't give a damn when the Devils play. I have no idea of their schedule. I never make it publicly known that I'm rooting the team NJ is playing against that night or series. And I certainly don't take the time out of my day to hunt down Devils fans and give them grief when they lose or fail to make the playoffs. Because I don't care about them. So Devils fans, do me a favor. Stop caring so much about the Rangers. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 5th, 2011
8:45 pm	Rant. The reason why I love my journal. Fuck New Jersey organizations. I leave work to power walk to Port Authority in time to catch the 6:52 NJ Transit bus, knowing full well that if I don't catch it I have to wait until 7:40 to board a bus to my neighborhood. I arrive at 6:50 and shuffle up to the front, only to not see a Hamilton Park bus waiting. I stand there like a fucking moron thinking it's running late until 7:25, when I peel my attention away from my Kindle to realize that it just never showed up. At that point, I resigned myself to the fact that I should just wait for the 7:40 rather than heading down to the E and taking it to WTC, switching to the PATH and heading home. Had I knownd the 6:52 would have been a no-show, I would have already made that decision and been home by 7:30. Instead, it was now that time and I hadn't even fucking left yet. I board the 7:40 bus, which is packed for some ungodly reason. We drive through Hoboken as usual, only the goddamn PA on the bus feels the need to announce every block we pass in Hoboken. Why?! For what reason does everyone on the bus need to know the name of every NUMBERED street we pass? This did wonders for my mood as well as my ability to focus on my book. By the time we reached the announcement for Observer Highway, the bus was blissfully empty and I hoped to cut straight through to Jersey City. Instead, our street-announcing ass drove the loop by the mall, to drop off and pick up no one. After my fucking tour of downtown JC, I finally arrived at my stop. I bid farewell to the rolling GPS and headed off to retrieve my car. Much to my chagrin, my next 20 minutes was spent driving around looking for a parking spot. Let me get this straight: parking is rarely an issue in my neighborhood because there are plenty of spots available. The worst that I have to ever deal with is parking 3 blocks away from my apartment. Not tonight, however. For some strange reason, alternate side parking IS in effect, meaning that people must leave one side of the street vacant 4x per week. That side alternates, and given the rules in place, there should have been a vacant left side of the street on Monday, and a vacant right side of the street on Tuesday. You would think that the municipality of Jersey City would use those times, typically designated for street cleaning, for SNOW PLOWING. There are no fucking parking spots available because the ones that normally would be are covered in snow. There are literally viable spots available that have snow covering them. Something that any simple backhoe could clear out in ten minutes has been left alone. I guess it's simply too soon to expect the snow to be cleared. After all, it did only snow a week and a half ago. Fuck NJ Transit, and Jersey City can eat a dick. I'm so pissed right now.   Current Mood: Livid (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010
11:23 am	B Cracks Me Up Yet Again Last night, as we were watching "The Road": Male Protagonist: Do you want some food? Filthy Old Man: What do I have to do for it? Me: Blow me. B: Ew, I wouldn't let that filthy old man blow me. Did you see his shoes?! (Comment on this)
Monday, December 13th, 2010
10:54 am	A note on perishables... How funny that we refer to dairy or lunch meat as "perishable". Yet when I look at the date on the milk or sniff the lunch meat, I note that it has "gone bad". It would be way more dramatic to say that my milk perished. (Comment on this)
Friday, December 3rd, 2010
12:27 pm	Randomness "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" That's an eye-rolling cliche that you find in yearbooks and "quotes" sections of facebook. But it occurred to me that you can actually reverse it if you were referring to...say....prison time. "Don't cry because it happened, smile because it's over" (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 1st, 2010
12:50 pm	Celebrating the mundane thrills of the commute I have a fruit stand I like to stop by on the way to work. It's a little temporary setup that's on 9th Avenue between 42nd and 43rd street. I find that the stand isn't always there. In fact, there are times when I'm counting on them being there and they are not. Yet, I refuse to ask them for their schedule. Why? Because believe it or not, it spices of my day/week to not know. When I want him to be there and he isn't, I am frustrated. When I see him and didn't expect to, I'm thrilled. And when he's there and I don't need him, I'm comforted. I guess in a way, I'm inserting emotion into an otherwise boring task of heading to work every day. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 27th, 2010
4:32 pm	Thought of the Day The only thing that Hamburger Helper helps is to sell toilet paper. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 12th, 2010
10:31 pm	It's over I know it's done with and so do you. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 11th, 2010
10:25 pm	My A-B-Cs Life lately has been one big conundrum. There are days when I think parts A and B of my life are completely in order and part C is out of control. Then something huge happens with C, thus aligning it to the “natural” order of things. And right at that time, B falls off the mark a bit and A does something to confuse me entirely (of course, these parts are specifically left vague as to not implicate myself or others. I’m just venting here anyway). For A, the most important thing to me and yet the most frustrating, often leaves me wondering what’s real, what’s certain and what’s unknown. 9 out of 10 things will be so wrong and the one right is such a big right that the other 9 don’t mean shit to me. Even though it’s illogical, the chance that the one right is the most important of the 10 keeps me putting up with the wrongs. Then there are days when it’s 10 right and a distant memory of wrong. Who the fuck knows, I certainly haven’t figured it out and I don’t know that I will anytime soon. Yet I stick with it to see where it will land. B is a constant. B comes and goes on the upswing and the downswing. I’ll hit a home run one day, strike out looking another. Yet B by its design will hopefully translate to there always being a chance to step up to the plate. C? Rewarding, challenging, stressful, and the most fulfilling part of my life at the moment. C is cut and dry even in its ambiguity, for there I have trust, a sense of belonging, respect, admiration and gratitude. It sadly is something that I wish could sometimes translate to the rest of my life. It often doesn’t. Nor do many understand what C means to me. I think I’m going to start writing more again. I miss the therapy of it. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
3:47 am	Despair. This is one of the rare moments in my life where I feel completely alone. (Comment on this)
Monday, March 29th, 2010
4:08 pm	I'm in Singapore for work for two weeks. Today is the first full day. I spent nearly 24 hours traveling to get here. Amazing, especially with my anxiety issues that I was okay on those flights. Maybe because it broke up with a 3-hour trip to Chicago, connection for a 15 hour flight to Hong Kong and then finally, a 3.5-hour hop to Singapore. Still, with the layovers I left Saturday at 8:30 am and got here basically 2 pm on Sunday. Though it's a 12-hour difference, so it was like 2 am here. It's an amazing place already. I took a walk today, took some pictures and hung around. Now I'm lounging in the bar in the lobby working on one of my many upcoming presentations. I have to train our Singapore colleagues on how to do work for IBM. The first week is me training them; the second is the actual work coming in and me helping them through it. This trip is a gift, a challenge and ultimately a lifetime of memories. I'm very fortunate; though my original reaction was that I didn't want to be away on the other end of the world for two weeks, in the end I'm grateful. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 21st, 2009
12:44 pm	Right Through Me I know you. You're not fooled by all my silly lies and I know you, you see through my mask my big disguise. I know it don't mean a thing to you. Give me time, I can't hear you calling. Give me space and I'll thank you for it. Cause you see right through me. I've got nothing left to hide. Give me time. I know you. You're not impressed by plans or big designs. Because you, you're in control and it's always been that way. My schemes they don't mean a thing to you. I'm lost. I'm lost. I'm exhausted. (Comment on this)